me

  
Thursday, March 01, 2007
results are in 17 hours. i cannot sleep. no matter how much i want to.

sometimes i wont think about it for a couple of hours(like today when i went to visit my sis). and then it'll pop into my head suddenly and i'll feel like all my internal organs have been liquified and are dropping straight through me.

its 0037hrs and i have a class in 7 and a half hours. i don't know how i'll concentrate in it. the worst thing is that i have a 4 hour break between classes tomorrow. and i'll be going crazy. i planned it so that i'll have to spend some time tmr running some errands. but they wont take up even half of that time.

i'm trying to listen to some soothing music, but this ball of nerves in my stomach refuses to go away. its not so much disappointing myself...God knows i've had to deal with that before. its about not wanting to disappoint my parents. i dont want them to have to go to school and try and hide their disappointment in front of staff or anyone who's around...and then get angry but pretend to be supportive because they're worried about what i'll do to myself here alone if they think i'm upset or scared. from a personal point of view...i dont really care what my results are. i mean of course i want to do well...but it wont be the end of the world for me if i dont. but i dont want my parents to have to deal with nosy relatives and friends and their own disappointment. gosh i'm using that word alot. and i dont want to have to deal with going to school or my parents calling me up everyday for the next week if i dont do well to check up on me, when i'll much prefer to stew in my own misery for a while.

on some weird note, i somehow wish i could be in school. so i can get my results first...accept it, then tell my parents.i am DREADING the phone call tmr where the callerID will flash my mother's number. and also i want to be there to support friends and be supported...because it makes it a little easier when there's someone next to you clutching your hand and you know that they, like you, are just trying not to puke their guts out and praying for the little slip of paper to tell them they've not completely fucked up their life.

it's so pointless to look back and regret now. but i do. So God, help me out. give me decent grades, more for my parents than for myself, and give my friends the grades that they want.

good luck to everyone...and let's stick by each other no matter what happens.
posted by kiki @ 5:21 AM  
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